When someone says “I’ve got good news / bad news” I say gimme the bad news twice & stick the good news way up inside your asshole.
I fall in love when I am drunk and I hate people when I am sober.
Thanks for putting that inspirational quote on Facebook. It really inspired me. Inspired me to de-friend you.
I don’t drink so that I’m more fun to be around. I drink so that you’re more fun to be around.
Word of advice; never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Whenever you’re feeling down, remember, you’re the sperm that won.
There is a time and place for everything. And it’s called college.
It’s time to raise awareness about the dangers of using a credit card after drinking.
Don’t worry if you can’t remember what happened, Facebook will forever. (thanks, Timeline)
Men bond by insulting each other, but they don’t really mean it. Women bond by complimenting each other, & they don’t mean it either.